(Healthier) Homemade Take”in”, Part 1: Cauliflower “Fried Rice”

Ok, I’m not ashamed to admit it. I. LOVE Americanized Chinese takeout. I love egg rolls, I love crab rangoon, I love fried rice covered in sickly sweet duck sauce. (the aforementioned being my go-to order. FYI). I like beef teriyaki, pork spare ribs, and those weird beer-battered boneless chicken wings, although these are my “second” class of takeout favs, which I only eat if someone ate all the crab rangoon. Truth bomb: my husband I both love crab rangoon so much that we need to get TWO orders when we get takeout. Because I will seriously slap wrists if someone tries to take my crab rangoon.

Chinese takeout was the #1 takeout choice of my household growing up. We rarely ordered takeout, but when we did it was almost always Chinese takeout, and maybe the occasional pizzas. And good GOD is it just as good, if not better, the day after. It is the ultimate fat kid meal; the no-holds-barred-calories-don’t-count-eat-until-you-can’t-eat-anymore salty, sweet, MSG-filled indulgence. And let’s not forget the fortune cookie, whose well-meaning message cqn always be warped by adding the words “in bed” to the end of it (e.g., “You will find new opportunities ahead… in bed. It’s so juvenile, but I swear it works every time. Have fun with it).

As much as I love this special weekend night treat, I am not kidding myself when I eat it — I know it’s bad for me. I know it’s deep fried, full of sodium and God know’s what else, and not Chinese at ALL, for that matter. So about 10 years ago when I first started to get into creative cooking, I wondered if I could recreate some of my favorite takeout items at home for less money and less, well, questionable ingredients. Turns out, it IS possible. Is it EXACTLY like takeout? No. But does it satisfy? I think so. And it’s FUN to make and enjoy with your own family.

The first thing I tackled was my beloved fried rice. I LOVE veggie fried rice. I don’t like shrimp fried rice, or chicken fried rice — I don’t like meat in most of my asian dishes, honestly. But I LOVE Asian veggies. For for me, this recipe is a base to which I can add all kinds of fun extras. It’s a Pandora’s box of yummy possibilities. You are welcome to keep it as simple as possible, or to add your own proteins or extra veggies. You are also welcome to make it with regular rice instead of my cauliflower substitute. I’m honestly just so used to making it with cauliflower I don’t see a reason to switch to rice, but you do you. I know it satisfies my hankering for takeout, and hopefully you will find the same thing. One final note — I do have a few notes/tips that over the years have helped me bring it to the next level, so feel free to try them.

(PS — next post, homemade crab rangoon, of course.)

Cauliflower “Fried” Rice

Ingredients:

2 TBSP sesame oil

1/2 onion, diced

1 head cauliflower

1 cup frozen veggies (I like a pea and carrot mix)

1 TBSP minced garlic

1 egg

1/3 cup green onions (or dried chives in a pinch)

3 TBSP (+?) of reduced sodium soy sauce

Instructions:

1) heat a large pan on medium heat, then add sesame oil to the hot pan. (I would not recommend substituting the sesame oil. It gives a distinct Asian flavor to the dish that can’t be replicated by olive or veggie oil.)

2) stir in diced onion and cook about 5 minutes, until onion is translucent.

3) In the meantime, roughly chop cauliflower and add to a food processor (keep and process the stems, too, but cut off anything green and leafy).

4) Pulse cauliflower to desired texture — I like mine to be somewhere between rice and course couscous.

5) Dump cauli AND garlic into pan with onions, and pat down so it covers the whole bottom of the pan.* Cook for about 8-10 min.

*(This is key to getting that “fried rice” look and texture. You don’t want to keep fluffing the cauli. You want it to get a good “crust” the way fried rice does. So resist the urge to keep flipping and fluffing the cauli. Pat it down and let it cook, turning it the way you might flip a pancake or a fried egg, occasionally).

6) Add frozen veggies and cook for an additional 3 minutes, until veggies are thawed and warmed through.

7) Clear a space in the middle of the pan and break your egg. Allow it to cook undisturbed for a minute or two, then break it up and gently fold into your “rice” mixture.

8) Finish with soy sauce (to taste) and top with green onions/chives to serve.

Notes: Get creative! There are tons of other veggies that can be found in fried rice — mini corn, water chestnuts, bean sprouts, peppers, onions — you can even buy on of those bags of frozen Asian-style veggies at the grocery store. Likewise, any meat or protein can be added to this to make it a full meal!